This is a satirical article I wrote awhile back. Emphasis on the satirical part.
Several weeks ago a strange phenomenon arose in random countries throughout the globe. America, London, Australia, Paris, Hawaii –the list goes on, but do our hearts? That is the question my fellow earthlings, because this phenomenon has something to do with instinct, disposition, and feelings – foreign feelings. It started in a little town in central Paris called Bonjour Baggett. A small art gallery owner, Monsieur Mouseatouille sat on his couch eating
snails and long bread. Out of nowhere our eyewitness, his wife, said he turned on their television –which had been off for years. Suddenly he began shouting at his television in distinct American
English. His wife tried to console him, but Mouseatouille wouldn’t have any of it and then started yelling and punching the screen, which displayed colorful jersey-ed men laying on top of
each other. Curiously enough, in another town on the other side of the globe, an average American white male started wearing berets and insisting that he had a magnifigue artistic sense of style.
All over the world, foreign stereotypes are being blurred and swapped. Family members are sobbing as their wives, husbands, mothers, friends-with-benefits are hula dancing, complaining about the lack of afternoon tea, asking where the barbie is, and being unusually good at math. Poor American victims also can’t seem to understand hella, raw, and juiced –common slang words associated with the American language. How far will these symptoms go? This is indeed frightening to behold, and the phenomenon is still in its early stages.
With all of this panic and these questions stacking up, one scientist had something to give us. For, Scientist Seymour Touche gave no comment except and slight shrug and an unenthusiastic shoeing of the hand. However, Plantologist Doucey Caboosey did have an explanation. “It’s the plants! They give off a toxin that effects the human brain. It’s the plants I tell you!” she said. There you have it. The plants are the cause of this widespread devastation. In order to fully understand the plant’s intentions, we went up to a small shrub in Japan Tokyo and proceeded to ask some revealing questions. “The reason we are doing this, is because humans are dumb. They categorize and categorize, and us plants can’t stand it. I mean look at me? I’m Asian, I’m small, I’m good at math, but does that make me part of a box where-“ since the shrub’s words were not making sense, we took a lighter, proceeded to light it up, and then made jokes about burning bushes.
It seems like there is nowhere to turn. If this condition spreads to all of us, we won’t be easy to understand and simply described anymore. We may even just be seen as people. All of the world can agree that that would be a terrible fate to behold. For now, stay indoors and enforce your foreign identification, and buy our next issues. In fact buy five, to make sure to keep this phenomenon at bay. And if you start to feel a slight tingling and a strange urge to do anything that isn’t from your country, run.